


Welcome To The Panic Room

by abitchsufferingwritersblock



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Angst, Or like them, basically just michael in the bathroom, but i did it, i usually dont write these, in the bathroom, michael has a panic attack, obviously, pure pure angst, song fic oops, thats it, tw: panic attacks ig?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-28
Updated: 2018-08-28
Packaged: 2019-07-03 22:49:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,089
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15828525
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/abitchsufferingwritersblock/pseuds/abitchsufferingwritersblock
Summary: Basically just the events of Michael In The Bathroom.





	Welcome To The Panic Room

**Author's Note:**

> Song used: Panic Room - Au/Ra

_ Welcome to the… _

_ Welcome to the… _

_ Welcome to the… _

_ Welcome to the… _

 

Michael watched himself walk towards the bathroom door, it was an out-of-body experience. He’d had plenty of those before. Jeremy was glaring at him as he backed into the door. He missed his red hoodie. It grounded him in moments like these.

 

_ Hell raising, hair raising _

 

Michael felt himself shiver despite the long sleeve shirt he was wearing. He stared at Jeremy, eyes glossed over and bloodshot. He watched Jeremy start opening his mouth to speak.

 

_ I’m ready for the worst _

 

“Get out of my way,” he growled, eyes narrowing. Michael scoffed, shaking his head in disbelief. 

 

“Or you’ll what?” he challenged, arms dangling limply at his sides. 

 

_ So frightening, face whitening _

 

“Get out of my way, loser,” Jeremy hissed, and Michael felt his body go still. Numbly, he stepped to the side, letting Jeremy leave, the door swinging closed behind him. The slam of the door made Michael jump.

 

_ Fear that you can’t reverse _

 

He looked back at the closed wooden door, the white paint chipping off on the bottom. He felt his chest get heavy, but he didn’t know why. Since when did the word “loser” ever bother him. People called him a loser all the time. Why was this time any different? 

 

_ My phone has no signal _

 

He wanted to bolt out of that bathroom, run through the halls of the Dillinger house and find Jeremy.  _ Talk _ to Jeremy. That’s all he wanted. But it felt like a connection being cut off. As if Jeremy’s end of the call had better reception than his own.  _ He _ was being cut off. 

 

_ It’s making my skin crawl _

 

Michael felt his body shiver, but he barely acknowledged it. The hair on his arms stood straight as his breathing turned into gasps. As his whole body shook, Michael walked backwards until his back hit the wall and he slid downwards.

 

What the hell was happening? This never got to him before. Why? Why now?

 

_ The silence is so loud _

 

He felt as though he was drowning. The sounds of the party downstairs slowly started to become muffled, and not just because of the closed door. He looked around the room, gasping for air but nothing seemed to help. Michael felt his eyes start to water when the only sound that filled his ears was the sound of his own heart beating. 

 

He couldn’t hear anything anymore. But it all felt too loud.

 

_ The lights spark and flicker _

 

Michael eyes started to water, but no tears fell. He couldn’t let them. He wasn’t weak. He could get through this.

 

He watched as his peripheral vision was suddenly swarmed in ink. Black. Black. Black. It started to get bigger, the pool of darkness growing. 

 

Tunnel vision. He’d dealt with this before. 

 

He heard a knock on the door, but he couldn’t bring himself to answer. It felt as if he was stuck on the ground. Held down. Pushed down. Drowning. 

 

Drowning in the silence that was so loud. 

 

Drowning in the darkness that pooled his vision.

 

Drowning in the shivers that went through his body like shocks. 

 

Then it stopped. His vision returned to normal, his breathing returning to it’s normal pace, the sudden loudness of the party filling his ears. 

 

He was okay.

 

“Excuse me!” Someone yelled from outside. It sounded like Jenna Rolan, “Some of us have to pee!”

 

Michael looked around the room quickly, head moving from the left to the right until his eyes fell on a tiny garbage can next to the sink. He saw the shell of what was once a tampon wrapper in the garbage. 

 

“I’m having my period!” He yelled back, grimacing at how his voice sounded. That was not convincing at-

 

“Take your time, honey,” Jenna responded, sounding exhausted but sympathetic. 

 

Michael took in a deep breath, the tension that was once building up in his shoulders fleeting quickly. 

 

_ With monsters much bigger _

_ Than I can control now _

 

And suddenly, it came back.

 

His heart started to beat faster and faster, the jittering of his nerves forcing him to shiver, choked sobs escaping his once closed lips. 

 

It felt as if his body was being taken over. Something else was within him.

 

Michael Mell was no longer the host of his own body. 

 

_ Welcome to the panic room _

 

He watched as his own body started to convulse, sobs overtaking his crouching form. He started curling in on himself, shoulders shaking. 

 

Michael panicked, wanting to reach out to himself, but he couldn’t. He continued to cry. 

 

_ Where all your darkest fears are gonna  _

_ Come for you, come for you _

 

Jeremy. Jeremy was gone. Probably forever. 

 

He finally understood. 

 

Loser was a label. A label they shared together. One they stuck by. One they took pride in. Bathed in the glory of being a loser. Because at least they were losers together.

 

_ Were. _

 

Now he was the only loser. Dubbed by his best friend. Who once was a loser too. A loser with him.

 

_ Welcome to the panic room _

 

Michael couldn’t get Jeremy back now, could he? Jeremy moved on. He had new, cooler friends. He was popular. That’s all he ever wanted, all he ever talked about. Michael should be happy for him. So why wasn’t he?

 

_ You’ll know I wasn’t joking _

_ When you see them too, see them too _

 

Because this wasn’t what  _ he _ ever wanted. It was always player one and player two. The two of them against the world. What was a player one without his other half? He couldn’t go through this alone. 

 

_ Welcome to the panic room _

_ Welcome to the… _

_ Welcome to the… _

_ Welcome to the… _

_ Welcome to the… _

 

Michael looked around, pressing his palms into the ground in an attempt to ground himself. Become host of his own body once again. The cool surface of the polished white tile beneath him felt refreshing. A rush of coolness washed over his overheating body. 

 

He never pegged himself for the dependent type. He always thought that, because he was an outcast all of his life, he would be fine on his own. So, why wasn’t that the case?

 

_ Still waiting, hands shaking _

 

He knew he shouldn’t, but Michael couldn’t help but hope that Jeremy would come waltzing back into the bathroom, the Jeremy he once knew. He’d probably freak out if he saw Michael having a panic attack in the middle of a bathroom, but that wasn’t important. What would be was having Jeremy back.

 

The Jeremy he knew. 

 

_ Maybe the coast is clear _

 

The tunnel vision lessened, Michael could see the bathroom properly. Not everything was black and white anymore. The pale yellow walls washed over him. Maybe seeing nothing was better.

 

Pushing his hands into the floor. Michael tried to stand up, his back dragging upwards against the wall. On shaking legs, Michael stumbled over to the bathtub, sitting down on the cold porcelain. The chilling surface felt nice against his legs, slowing down his beating heart. 

 

He took a minute to look around at his surroundings, memorizing the floor plan of the entire room. 

 

_ But these voices, these strange noises _

_ They followed me in here _

 

As if like a wave, Michael suddenly felt overwhelmed by it all. Jeremy’s voice echoed in his mind, along with thoughts he thought he’d never hear again. 

 

Those worried, self conscious thoughts that he had tried to ignore with many therapy sessions were all back. Worse than ever. 

 

_ My phone has no signal _

_ It’s making my skin crawl _

 

And it was back.

 

The overwhelming beat of his heart started to fill his ears, everything else fading fast. 

 

He was drowning.

 

_ The silence is so loud _

 

His body started to shake and he felt himself slide into the tub, the crinkling of trash under his body going unnoticed by the panting boy. 

 

Drowning.

 

_ The lights spark and flicker _

 

Michael’s eyes were quickly filled with ink. The room around him turned black.

 

Drowning.

 

_ With monsters much bigger _

_ Than I can control now _

 

Michael closed his eyes tightly, feeling his body start to shiver. He curled in on himself, hugging his stomach with his crossed arms. He pushed his feet into the side of the tub, his bent legs starting to straighten out with the amount of force he was using. 

 

_ Welcome to the panic room _

 

They were back. The thoughts he feared the most. The thoughts that he was annoying everyone around him just by  _ being  _ there. 

 

_ Where all your darkest fears are gonna  _

_ Come for you, come for you _

 

Michael used to think that the only way to feel better about himself was to not  _ be _ himself. To be  _ no one _ . That he should just off himself as soon as possible. Everyone else would be better off.

 

_ Welcome to the panic room _

 

Jeremy used to help him out of all of those episodes. Used to be there and tell him he was  _ worth _ something.

 

_ You’ll know I wasn’t joking _

_ When you see them too, see them too _

 

Jeremy wasn’t there.

 

Those thoughts were all coming back to him now. 

 

_ Welcome to the panic room _

_ Welcome to the… _

_ Welcome to the… _

 

Michael shook his head, throwing his head back and banging it against the wall.

 

How stupid was he? He was over that chapter of his life. He wasn’t going to kill himself because of some fucking  _ boy _ . Sure, that boy was Jeremy, but Michael was stronger than that… right?

 

_ There’s no crying wolves now _

 

His mind started to clear up as he continued to sob, tears falling down onto his shirt.

 

As much as he wished that he wasn’t born at all, the killing himself idea was gone. He was better than that. He wouldn’t let Jeremy convince himself otherwise.

 

_ ‘Cause the truth has settled in _

 

He was stuck here. He knew it. He was stuck in this state of depression and he wasn’t going to get out of it for a while. 

 

Because this was going to continue.

 

_ Hiding under goose down _

 

Jeremy was going to continue moving on.

 

_ For your nightmare to begin _

 

Jeremy was gone. 

 

_ Welcome to the… _

_ Welcome to the... _

 

Knocking. It sounded like someone was knocking on the bathroom door. Michael shook his head, squeezing his nails into the palm of his hands. 

 

_ ‘Cause the truth has settled in _

 

More knocking. It sounded like there were two people out there. He wondered what they wanted. 

 

_ Welcome to the… _

_ Welcome to the… _

 

The knocking grew louder and louder as if more and more people started crowding around the door.

 

_ Hiding under goose down _

 

Pounding. The knocking turned into fists banging against the door. Pounding against the wood to be let in. Let into his mind or the bathroom, he didn’t know.

 

_ Welcome to the… _

_ Welcome to the… _

 

No. No. No. No. No. This couldn’t be happening. They couldn’t come in now. They couldn’t.

 

_ For your nightmare to begin _

 

Michael tried to stand up, pushing his butt off of the ground with his hands. He couldn’t get up.

 

_ Welcome to the… _

_ Welcome to the… _

 

It stopped. The knocking faded into thin air. Michael shook, tears soaking his cheeks. He looked over at the door, trying to make sure no one was there. No more knocking. 

 

_ Welcome to the panic room _

 

Michael’s heart started to slow once again, his eyes clearing up. He could see. He could hear. He was done. 

 

The sound of a girl outside drunkenly slurring the words of Whitney Houston made his heart plummet into the pit of his stomach.

 

No.

 

He refused to think of Jeremy right now.

 

_ Where all your darkest fears are gonna _

_ Come for you, come for you _

 

Michael stood up, his knees feeling like they were about to buckle. He walked over to the sink, looking at his face in the mirror. 

 

_ Welcome to the panic room _

 

He turned the water on, feeling the cool liquid hit his hands.

 

_ You’ll know I wasn’t joking _

_ When you see them too, see them too _

 

Michael cupped his hands, filling them up with water before splashing himself in the face, trying to calm down. 

 

_ Welcome to the panic room _

 

The cold water droplets clung to his face, the noise of the rushing water calming him down. 

 

_ Welcome to the… _

_ Welcome to the... _

 

Michael looked into the mirror, watching as shadows danced around the glass.

 

_ Welcome to the... _

 

He squeezed his eyes shut, trying to will them away.

 

_ Hell raising _

 

He opened his eyes

 

_ Hair raising _

 

They were gone. 

 

_ I’m ready for the worst... _

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! I usually don't write angst, but the idea just came to me, so I wrote it :)  
> As someone who struggles with panic attacks and depressive episodes, it was pretty easy to write this, but if you have any input, please share it and let me know! This was all based off of my own experiences, but if something seems too unrealistic, please let me know!  
> Thanks again for reading and check the beginning notes for the song!  
> Fun fact: some other contending titles I was going to use were "Drowning" or "The Host"


End file.
